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by Shaun Partridge Twenty years ago a boy named Dan and a boy named Shaun met an older boy who went by the name Adam Sleek. One day, Adam Sleek said, "Would you like to hear the best band that has ever existed?" Dan and Shaun were full of puzzled excitement. "Yes! Yes! Are you talking about The Beatles?" Adam Sleek laughed, "The Beatles. Ha, ha, ha..." Then he pulled out a record by The Partridge Family. "Shopping Bag" to be exact. Dan said, "Dude, The Partridge Family are mediocre at best." Shaun said, "Oh, gosh, The Partridge Family give me the creeps. I’ve always hated the TV. Show. My Uncle Joey had red hair and freckles like Danny Partridge. They were so full of pink, sweaty, uptight ugly." Adam Sleek said, "Have you heard them lately?" "No", Dan and Shaun said. "Not lately." Then Adam Sleek who resembled a fat boar in human incarnation whisker-smiled and put "Shopping Bag" on. Dan and Shaun were brainwashed that day. Brainwashing isn't a bad thing, you dig? Cleanliness is next to godliness. Only hippies are dirty. The brain should be cleaned like you clean the windows in your house like once a week on Sunday The Gray Matter Scene collects so many filthy, confusion lies. Brainwash me so I can see. Brainwash me so we can be free. Being brainwashed by Shirley Partridge is first latch. When your wet, pink mouth finally finds Shirley's many-nippled, God Head. The boar-like prophet, Adam Sleek, turned Baby Shaun and Baby Dan onto a reality so far-out that could never go back to their old lives. Adam Sleek said, "You will go and spread the Divine Word. Your new name, Dan, is King Keith Reality Television Partridge. You are the resurrection and the erection of our Lord, Keith Partridge." "And Shaun, you were named after Shirley Partridge's Son, Shaun Cassidy. This was not random. Since ancient times the gods have spoken of you. Behold! From now on you will be known as The Partridge in the Pear Tree and you will eat from the Pear Tree of Good and Evil and it will be McPsychedelic!" And so a new, ancient religion began. There had been many religions before this but they had all been incomplete and found wanting. Here now, for the first time, was a turned-on religion that the Un-Crowd had been waiting for being that they were all heavy, 7-Up Heads. The Partridge Family Temple had perfected the religious trip. And so the cult spit seeds of Mr. & Mrs. God everywhere and Temple franchises sprang up like so many McDonalds full of Mystical. King Keith Partridge was asked by Shirley Partridge to make green and orange Day Glo stickers. They will stick like the Truth sticks. King Keith Partridge said, "Can stickers truly turn you on?" Danny Partridge with red hair and vibrating freckles smiled and said, "If the stickers are electric they'll turn anything on." The cult grew like Danny Partridge's muscles grew and vibrated like his red, hot freckles and many people were pointed in the direction of Albuquerque. What, you ask is Albuquerque and why should you be pointed there? Albuquerque is the new, turned-on version of Mecca, Israel, Valhalla, Eden, Disneyland, Paradise, Casa Bonita, and of course The New Forever. Many people despised this new Partridge Family Temple Scene. They would whine, "The Partridge Family was a stupid TV. Show. They were a manufactured band. They weren't real. Danny Partridge has too many red freckles. Laurie Partridge ate too many carrots. Rueben Kinkaid can't be trusted. David Cassidy doesn't spell L.O.V.E. it spells H.A.T.E." But the far-out children of Shirley Partridge never wavered in their magical, mystical Partridge Family field day trip. And the Partridge bus took them everywhere and nowhere twenty-four hours a day. One day, King Keith and the Partridge in the Pear Tree came back to Denver, Colorado where Reverend Adam Sleek turned them on. They met a curious fellow who followed the teachings of Barnabas Collins. He would always dress in Bobby Sherman black. He had moved to Denver because his second favorite TV Show in the world was "Dynasty" and his middle name was Blake just like Blake Carrington. So Shirley's destiny dice were rolled and Mister Boyd hitchhiked to San Francisco to Denver without a flower in his hair. Now Boyd had been a Bobby Sherman-head for many years. The Partridge in the Pear Tree and King Keith hadn't been turned onto the Bobby Sherman Scene yet. Mister Boyd explained to them, "You can't have the Sun without the Shadow. You know, it's like the old saying, 'Apple pie without the cheese, is like the kiss without a squeeze.'" Mister Boyd slept in a coffin just like Barnabas Collins from the hit TV Show, "Dark Shadows". When people asked him why he did this he would clap his hands and sing the Bobby Sherman song, "Time. We all die from time". Many magical Partridge years went by. One day, The Partridge in the Pear Tree's baby sister Liddle Giddle found a Partridge Family record and put it on. Her eyes opened real wide and she squealed in paisley delight. "Now I know why it’s better to take the bus. Cars are dangerous and uptight." From that day on Liddle baby Giddle would wake up in the morning and find psychedelic clothes lying on the floor of her closet that she hadn't bought. She would rub her eyes thinking she was dreaming and then see Laurie and Tracy giggling and running out of the room. The Partridge Family album she was brainwashed by was "Notebook". Once she was turned on it was all Go, Go, Go for Liddle Giddle Partridge. The Partridge Family Temple was now a new and improved cult based on quality and not quantity and the customer is always Right On. The Partridge Family Temple is an alchemical Scene as Shirley Partridge demonstrated when she transformed the ugly brown-haired Chris Partridge into the beautiful, blonde, Chris Partridge who was also less annoying then the first Chris Partridge. "But of course", Shirley whispered in our ears, "You wouldn’t have the new Chris Partridge unless you had the original Chris Partridge. "Remember", she singsonged, "Always follow the Leader." You may wonder aloud, "Why do we need a new religion based on an early 70's, American TV sitcom?" Because Mr. and Mrs. Godhead love you and want you to be full of c'mon get happy. Have you ever been so happy you could skip forever and ever? That's what Shirley, Keith, Laurie, Danny, Christopher and Tracy desire for you. Twenty-four hours a day. Television is Truth. It is McReality made out of bubblegum logic. It heals the worthless, sub-fuck full of Helen Keller confusion. We are all Helen Keller. We can't see the Partridge Family record. We can't hear the Partridge Family record and yet because of the divine, subtle grace of Mother Albuquerque, we can begin to see with new, CBS Eyes and hear with new and improved Macaroni Ears. We need the War God, Keith Partridge to turn us on to the survival Scene. We need Danny Partridge, full-blown Trickster to teach us the way to make no sense make sense. We need Tracy Partridge's wet, soft mouth and disturbing, yet psychedelic freckles. We need Laurie Partridge to blow the gas station attendant because The Partridge Family bus broke down on its way to a concert in Nice. The French gas station attendant might not speak English but he understands a French kiss and Laurie Partridge knows how to drink salt milk shakes like they're going out of style. We need Christopher Partridge because Gold is found in him. Let's all become new creatures in Chris Partridge. Let's all get on the Partridge Family bus. The prophet Mondrian was asked by Shirley Partridge many years ago to paint some beautiful paintings. Mondrian was a turned on bus driver and knew one day that the Golden School bus would be painted like his Golden Ratio paintings. Brothers and Sisters, you are either on The Partridge Family bus or off The Partridge Family bus. Become new and improved and join The Partridge Family Temple. It's a proven fact that if something has been around for twenty years, you never find fault with it or scorn it. You just can't argue with it. It is perfect. And The Partridge Family Temple is the most flawless religion in the Universe. For ever and ever and ever. Please, join us in the Eternal Land of Albuquerque. Join the Partridge Family Temple. You might just realize that life is a Ferris wheel. Worship The Partridge Family twenty-four hours a day. All roads lead to Albuquerque. C'mon get happy! |
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